I Refuse to Tolerate These Risks to My Personal Growth Any Longer
I was in my mid-thirties when I realized I had no clue who the hell I was.
If you were to ask me – which no one ever does, by the way. Seriously, who walks up to someone and blurts out “Who are you?” So rude.
But, I digress.
If you were to ask me back then, I’d define it by what I do. By who I had in my life. By the familial roles I played.
Translation? I had no idea.
As I began to unpack my identity crisis, I found my personality was largely a mirror.
In his fabulous book Never Split the Difference, author Chris Voss discusses the use of mirroring others’ words and body language to build rapport with those with whom you are trying to negotiate.
Mirroring can be a great technique to build rapport with both friends and adversaries.
But this was something more.
I projected the personality traits of those I was close to. Far too often, I let them change who I was being.
I felt I had to become someone else to fit in.
Once I realized I had been operating this way, I made a change. Was I willing to continue to let my fear of being disliked push me into changing who I was?
Nope.
When you get used to it, saying no to the things holding you back is liberating.
We are often told by gurus, coaches, and everyone else claiming to know what we need that the key is to do more.
I’m all for hard work. But, I believe a great deal can be gained by saying no to the things that are holding you back.
Here is a list of things I’ve recently said no to.
The Tribe Doesn’t Vibe? Nope
If you find yourself surrounded by a group of people that aren’t vibrating at your frequency, it’s probably time to find a new group of people to surround yourself with. If you feel consistently out of place, misunderstood, or unsupported, it’s time to find a new tribe.
This can be difficult. I’ve had to make some hard choices as I’ve focused more on my faith, and have ended some relationships because people I used to be close with were not aligned with or supportive of that goal.
Of course, you can’t always just permanently pluck someone out of your life. You will probably have some co-workers, family members, or others you will need to find a way to minimize their influence on you.
Holding Onto Grudges? Nope
This is a difficult one. I’ve been wronged by others, and it feels good to hold onto my anger, jabbing pins into the voodoo doll I have of them in my head.
But, grudges cause us to relive the pain rather than process it and let it go.
“Anger is the punishment we give ourselves for someone else’s mistake.”
Gautama Buddha
I have hurt people in this life, too, and I need to remind myself I also need forgiveness. I can’t hold a grudge against someone who probably could lay claim to the right to hold one against me as well.
Speaking of which, I’m also working on saying no to holding grudges against myself. I need to forgive myself for the wrongs of my past to let them go.
Negative Self Talk? Nope
I’ve spent far too much of my life smack-talking myself. My inner dialogue still contains name-calling and negative thoughts about myself, my worth, and my abilities far too often.
I’ve spent a lot of time taking those negative thoughts captive, challenging them, and offering evidence of their falsehood, but they still sneak into my subconscious far too often. I’ve altered the pattern, but I’m still working to break it completely.
Living in the Past? Nope
As I said above, I’ve made my share of mistakes. I’ve hurt people. I’ve hurt myself.
It’s what happens when you’re human.
Still, I struggle to let it go.
Sadly, there is no going back. What’s done is done.
Insert whatever painful cliche about the past you’d like to.
Like it or not, they are all mostly true.
While you can’t change the past, living there will change your future. You have to move forward, learn from your past, and focus on the present.
That’s It? Kind Of…
Letting go of self-limiting habits and beliefs is liberating, but it’s far too easy to fall back into those habits. You need to have discipline to keep your focus on growth.
This wonderful talk from Tom Wood demonstrates the power of focus and how easily we can get distracted.
Climb the mountain.
Goals before sake.
Keep climbing.
Jon