These subtle changes made me a more positive person
I used to be an incredibly negative person, with a keen ability to find the cloud behind every silver lining.
My negativity cost me, sacrificing my peace, relationships, and even professional opportunities.
The root of the problem, for me, was my internal dialogue. That still, small voice in my head, droning through the years, letting me know how small and stupid I was.
How unfair life was.
How nothing good would ever happen to me.
How they were all out to get me.
Researchers have found a link between negative self-talk and anxiety and depression. Further, it increases stress levels while lowering our self-esteem.
Negative self-talk can take many forms. It can sound grounded (e.g. “I’m not that good at this, so I shouldn’t really bother attempting it,”) or it can sound outright cruel (e.g. “I can never do anything right!”). It may present like being a realistic appraisal of a situation (e.g. “I barely passed that test. I guess I’m really not good at math.”), but can devolve into a disastrous declaration (“I’ll probably fail this class and never get into university”).
Daniel Monteleone
Is Negative Self-talk Always Bad?
Perhaps not always. Some people seem to respond to negative motivation. Picture almost any college football coach when the game isn’t going well, for example.
The same may be true for self-talk. An occasional negative dialogue inside your skull may not turn you into a depressed serial killer.
It may even get you hyped up to achieve a short-term goal.
But, a perpetual string of negativity launched at yourself will take a toll on your self-worth and confidence. In time, these effects may seriously hinder relationships, careers, and personal growth.
If you tend to default to negative internal dialogue, you can change the tone of your self-talk by developing a few simple practices.
Tools To End Negative Self-Talk
These items have worked well for me to shift my internal dialogue to be more positive.
Recognition
The first step sounds simple – recognize when you are engaging in negative self-talk. When I began to address my issues around negativity, I realized this sounds easier than it is.
Our negative thought patterns can be deeply ingrained. It may be difficult to spot the point when the thought train jumps the tracks until you have a huge pile-up of negativity. Keep working on identifying when negative thoughts occur, and this will get easier.
As you train yourself to identify negative thoughts, you’ll eventually begin to see the triggers behind them.
Pay attention to what is happening in your body when you feel this way.
Is your pulse racing? Does your chest feel tight? Do you suddenly have a headache? All these may be signs you’ve been triggered, and negative thoughts are on their way to your brain.
Learn to disrupt the patterns early in the process, and in time you’ll change your self-talk.
Challenge
Once you’ve identified negative self-talk, your next step is to challenge it.
In her book “Dear Writer, you need to Quit,” Author Becca Syme introduces a simple concept she calls “Question The Premise.” (QTP for short.)
I have found it a very useful tool to cut through the BS in life. In addition to helping with writing, QTP also works quite well in disrupting our negative self-talk patterns.
For example, let’s say you make a mistake on a big project at work. Instantly, your negative thoughts kick in, and you begin to speak harshly to yourself. “Of course, you screwed up. You’re so stupid.”
Once you recognize the negativity here, you should immediately question the premise – “Am I really stupid?”
Of course, you know you’re not. But you need to prove it to yourself to remind you. So, you prove you’re not stupid by letting yourself soak in some evidence of your intelligence.
List 3 or 4 things you’ve done to prove you are intelligent and not stupid.
It could be a successful project at work, your college GPA, or any number of things. The point here is to offer proof that the premise is wrong.
Grace
Imagine you have a friend who comes to you saying they screwed up a big project at work and then goes on a rant about how stupid they are, saying things like “Of course, I screwed this up, it’s just how I am.” “I can’t do anything right.”
Would you tell them they are right – they are stupid and should just admit it?
Of course not.
You’d comfort them. Even if they messed up something badly, you’d acknowledge we all do that from time to time.
You’d give them grace.
Why wouldn’t you do the same for yourself?
Gratitude
A practice of acknowledging all the good things you have received in your life can help you break negative self-talk. By focusing on the positives in life, we minimize the negatives.
If, like me, you are a Christian, you can always be grateful for the goodness of a loving God who bestows gifts on His children.
Service
Service proves worth through action. It’s difficult to feel like you’re worthless or unlovable when you’re being of service to someone else.
If you don’t feel like you have anything to offer, go serve someone, and you’ll quickly find out how blessed you truly are.
I hope these tips help you to break the negative self-talk patterns in your life. I’d love to hear from you if you found this useful or have more tips of your own. Reach out to me here, and let’s continue the conversation!