The quid pro quo approach doesn’t work
I remember the anger coursing through me like lightning in my veins.
I felt like a former coworker had stabbed me in the back, going against my plans for a project I was leading. I wanted to implement a simple solution, but she had decided on a more complex idea and wasn’t budging from her position.
I was quite certain her solution stemmed from a classic case of complexity bias.
How could she disregard my ideas out of hand? I had put in so much time on this project and had helped her with other tasks outside of the project. Her response defied my expectations.
It took me quite a while to realize why her behavior triggered me so much. I finally found the source of my frustration.
My expectations.
More specifically, my attempts at getting my coworker to honor my expectations.
It seemed logical at the time. “I’ll help her out with this, then she’ll support my idea for the project. I cringe now thinking this was how I managed so much of my life for so long.
This type of approach to getting what you want is a covert contract.
It is deceptive and manipulative, and it has no place in healthy relationships.
Expectations are resentments waiting to happen
Anne Lamott
The Link Between Expectations and Covert Contracts
Covert contracts are an expectation in and of themselves. One person drafts this “contract” in their head. It becomes a quid pro quo scenario, except one side of the negotiation isn’t even aware a negotiation has taken place.
This scenario can play itself out at work, at home, and in social settings in any number of ways.
“If I’m nice, they’ll invite me to the event I want to go to.”
“If I keep my head down and work extra hard, my boss will have to give me a promotion.”
“If I do what my spouse expects, they will make surely meet my needs in the relationship.”
These contracts don’t work, because one party is expecting an outcome based upon the covert contract.
The other party doesn’t know there is an agreement, because, well, there isn’t.
As the contractor works to honor their end of the “agreement,” they often find their expectations unmet. This likely leads them to try harder to hold up their end of this make-believe bargain.
As they continue to try harder, resentment builds. Eventually, they erupt in a volcano of emotion that will leave the contractee confused, hurt, and feeling attacked.
A Better Way
Covert contracts are not a sustainable relationship model for any level of relationship. There is a better way to handle your expectations and to get your needs met.
Be honest with yourself
You can’t be honest with others until you are honest with yourself. Take a look at your behaviors and identify areas where you have been crafting covert contracts.
Acknowledge your actions and resolve to make a change.
Take ownership of your needs and desires
Whether in work, family, social, or romantic relationships, you need to take ownership of your needs and desires and work to meet them.
This isn’t you taking a box full of your expectations and dumping it in someone else’s lap with the added expectation they do something about it.
No. This is you addressing your own needs, enlisting the help of others when needed. Working honestly and directly through and with others.
Ask for what you want in relationships
Whatever your desires are in your relationships, it’s important you are transparent and ask for what you need.
Just remember, asking doesn’t obligate the other person to give it to you. If the answer is no, honor it and then decide how to move forward from there.
Pay it forward
When you invest your time and gifts in others, make sure to do so freely. Give whatever you are giving with no expectation of reciprocity.
Give because it’s the right thing to do. Because it’s in alignment with the person you want to be.
Interestingly, the person who gives in this way is more likely to have deeper relationships because they are perceived as genuine, kind, and compassionate. People gravitate to these qualities.
Covert contracts poison relationships. If you struggle with this manipulative behavior, I hope these tips will help you deepen your relationships and expand your authenticity.